Waking up

I don't much like January. How ever much I bah humbug Christmas, the thrill of the lights and anticipation of some potentially fictitious magic always secretly excites me. Christmas shopping in New York was joyful, one of my favourite memories here weirdly enough. But after Christmas and the excesses of New Year, once the lights have come down and the trees are left out on the sidewalk slowly rotting, things start to look altogether more grey. I had an amazing trip - and I promise to finish writing about it soon - but I came back to New York alone, and there was no one here waiting. The days might be getting longer, but they're also getting colder. With no routine to keep me in check, the last couple of weeks I've been sliding into a very dangerous state of mind. It's not necessarily obvious from the outside, or even to me at first, until I realise that I've been standing at my door for five minutes to make sure there's no one outside my room, so I won't have to see anyone on my dash to the toilet. Or I realise that it's been day's since I left the building, and I'll make any excuse not to have to go out. I know how bad I can get, and how easy it is to be lazy about it. I tried to force myself out, just to get some groceries. Being outside was not a problem, but once I was in the brightly lit store, panic set in. I felt as though everyone was staring at me, that it was somehow obvious that there was something wrong with me, and it got harder and harder to breathe. I left after a few minutes, empty handed. If I was the type to self diagnose, I'd say that maybe this was agoraphobia. I'm coming round to the belief that self-diagnosis is actually an idiotic idea, and perhaps there's nothing actually wrong with me except for laziness and low self esteem. The result of all of this was that since I got back from LA I've been living in my own self contained bubble.

I know well enough that having some kind of routine is enough to improve this state of mind dramatically, so though school was not the most exciting prospect, I knew it would be good for me. The night before classes started, I walked out of my building into the freezing air, and it snowed. It was in fact warmer outside than it has been of late - hovering around minus 6 celcius - and so the weather was almost comfortable. The snow was really beautiful, huge wet flakes falling in slow motion and getting caught in my hair. Snow is another one of those things I secretly love, and wandering through New York as it drifted down was nothing short of magic. Yesterday I was up early for classes, nervous because I was going back with hardly any of my friends, only Kassie who recently returned from California. I was especially worried about doing all my classes without Roshni, who somehow dragged me through everything last semester. My classes look promising, and during a break I walked over over to Central Park for the first time since Dad left. It was beautiful and freezing, still clinging to a light frosting of snow and ice, and the sun shining brilliantly making it just warm enough to wander round. I felt like I was coming out of hibernation, that New York was reminding me that it is still here and still full of beautiful things. Even if I am terrified of not making any new friends, or making bad decisions, the city is still here. I know that life is short, and it is easy for people to be angry at me for wasting time in the city stuck in my room. So I'm going to try to keep busy, to keep healthy, to fight my fears of people and at the very least, I'm going to do my best not to waste any more time. Besides, January's nearly over and and I like February much more.